Saturday, December 28, 2013

Drat

Oops,
I wanted to be smart
and funny

to create some witty prose
or rather
I mean poetry.

Instead
I created this.
How silly am I?

Thursday, December 26, 2013

End of the Year

Anticipation fulfilled
Now just empty
Nothing left

A dried husk
of sanity

Yesteryear
there was waiting
today regrets

Dreamer forgotten
in the wreckage.


Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Let Go & Move On

Little girl, oh little girl
Weary are your dreams
You died long ago
Still you hold on

To those rotted dreams
You wasted away
Nothing but bones
Still you hold on

Little girl, oh little girl
Why do you still dream
Instead let go
Still you hold on

To those rotted dreams
They are foolish
Wear you out
Still you hold on.

Deprivation

Starving is something to be avoided
Yet, here I am starving, for sleep.
I long to consume a full night's rest.
To wake up sated for a day.

To feel full of energy
To have a mind ready to win.
Instead, I search for scraps
hoping to get enough

So that I can continue on
for another day
always searching
for that golden prize.

Sleep, satisfying sleep.

Narcolepsy

An incurable disease that haunts the young
Waiting, watching until that perfect moment.
Gulp.
Swallowed whole.

Down into the belly of the beast.
A slow procession, plenty of time to realize
How unfortunate you are.
Year by year it gets worse

Until you are haunted by what you once were.
Now a shade of your former self
A shell of who you could've been
Consumed by sleep.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Waiting

Waiting for you to appear
Is like a faucet that drips
ever so slowly
drives me crazy.

You said I'll be back soon
but soon isn't fast enough.
I grow tired of waiting
and yet you don't show up.

Maybe the storm is keeping you
how I miss your smiles
and the sound of your laughter
as well as your arm around me.

My phone is silent and I wonder
Are you ok?
Maybe I should have told you
to stay home.

Carried

This morning lost among dreams I over slept
Forgot I had to do morning chores.
Rushing to leave I yelled at you.
You stopped me in my tracks, saying
"They're taken care of."

I felt something within me change
It unfurled, testing the waters-
did he really just say what I think he said?
I must be dreaming.

True love is getting up early
caring for three large beasts
she loves them too much to let them go
you love them too even though they scare you.

All so that your girl could sleep in for a day.
You doing that is something so foreign to her
that she just stares
while you smile and say I love you.

I do not know how to respond to such a gesture
Been alone for so long
Had to carry so much responsibility
That having you carry it for me, scares me.


Yesterday

Yesterday we fought like an old married couple.
You stomped off and left me wondering
when did this become more than casual?
When did we fall in love?

I don't remember passing that point
but neither do I remember learning to walk.
Loving you is instinctual; second nature
like breathing and talking and laughing.

I think about how cold the world is,
I'm so glad I'm not alone anymore.
Having you there to tease me
and laugh at my antics is unexpected.

I cherish each smile you bestow upon me
You give me a gift each time you say my name
My life is full of color now that you are here.
Together we will grow old as the seasons change.

He's my kind of man

Without a word he showed up and brought me
what I've been wanting- warm food and a hug.
I didn't have to ask or tell him I needed him
to take care of me because he already knew.

That is what I love about him.
He isn't perfect but he knows
when I need a helping hand or two
and when I need to figure it out myself.

He's always there to catch me as I fall
or to provide a mattress so I land softly.
I know he loves me by the way he smiles
and holds me close when I want to run.

If you love something let it go and if it comes back
it will always be yours but if it doesn't then it was
never yours to begin with. Thankfully he ignored
that quote by someone unimportant.

I am his and he is mine.
He stuck by me through all my games
and tests and trials and temper tantrums.
He loves me for me.

Two day old sweatshirt

Two day old sweatshirt
There's a funk about me.
A smell of unwashed hair
and worn out deodorant.

Remember those old bag ladies
with broken teeth
and hair that defies gravity
well I think of them.

I do not want to collect cans
nor do I want to eat cat food
Although it smells quite good
for that is a problem.

I am drifting from society.
I hide away from reality
and pretend everything is OK
when really everything is wrong.

Numb

The heartache of others used to affect me; used to make my heart ache.
I used to care about others and plan on ways to help them.

Now, I see them hurt and I turn away.
Because I'm hurting just as much.

No one cares about my pain.
Why should they?

What I've done is taken an ethereal knife
and cut my stomach open.

I am bleeding hope and belief.
Each time I heal a little bit I cut open my gut again.

I am destroying myself and no one can stop me.
Sure, it's not physical but it is just as destructive.

Look at my life and see how much it bleeds.
I am bleeding, maybe this blood is more important than what is red.

I don't know how to describe what I've done.
Only that the veil is gone, I am like Eve after eating the apple.

My childhood belief of it will get better
has disappeared into a sea of uncertain certainty.

That is what I lost and why I cannot feel.
I lost my faith in everything.

I don't think it will get better because I give up
On hoping and believing in miracles.

I've dried up the well that provided me with them
Instead I am in a desert with no oasis in sight.


Hunger

Rumbling within
Cold fingers
Foggy thoughts
No longer certain

Numbing pain
Echoing in
My stomach

Monday, December 9, 2013

He wonders

It's almost a week and well, I want to see her.
Think she would find it strange if I stopped by.
My hand itches to text her "how r u?"
I don't though, why should I?

She doesn't care to let me know she's alive.
I don't care how she's doing, not in the least.
Just that she was this beautiful creature
Pure, but violent like a force of nature.

Nature, yea, she was like a raging storm
Beautiful and merciless then there was calm.
Eye of the storm all guards down
I thought-
she's beautiful;
then the storm raged on

Briefly

Briefly, now, just wait for a second
Can you please just listen.

I'm drowning in this static
The music of life is too loud.

A cacophony of voices
All razed to the ground.

Desperation and need
That empty stomach feeling

Is all too familiar these days.
How do I survive?

A mental drawing and quartering
Hoping I make it out alive

Knowing, knowing, knowing
that I am not that lucky.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Pain

An internal ache that threads throughout the body
It runs along each nerve and drags out the pain
There is no end to this suffering, no escape
I breathe and it hurts; I hold my breath and it hurts.
What can I do to stop this suffering?

When will I have a moment of peace and relaxation?
I want to breathe and not feel tension in my back
I want to find a position where I can rest completely
Cold against my back and cold on my legs
Everywhere the cold finds me and I cringe.

I am never safe, never free of this pain.
How can I live life when I hurt so?
Physical pain, emotional pain, so much suffering.
There is so much within me that I cannot find
A way to describe the sorrow I feel.


Friday, December 6, 2013

Battles

Deep within I feel a twisting and churning as though something was building
It is as though I am trapped in two worlds without a map for either one.

Childhood is there clinging to my feet like black tar
and adulthood is handcuffed to me, pulling me forward

Split in two, almost, I cannot make sense of the world
Just as I pick something up and throw it away.

Now I am so confused as to what happened to yesterday
worried about what will happen to tomorrow.

Will I survive this day? It is spinning out of control
I am lost among the most deadliest of seas

A storm of emotion on the horizon threatening
To send me to the bottom of the ocean.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Pain

It reverberates through every fiber
A throbbing that does not disappear

As though my mind and body
were on a revolt against life

I, their victim lie helpless
cringing as each move I make

burrows the needles of pain
deeper into the marrow of my bones

Muscles wound tightly beneath skin
One more twist and I will be nothing

but a mess of exploded muscles
lying in a pool of death.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Death by Beauty

Ever desire to keep on doing something; yet
knowing that continuing on leads to wreckage.
That is the case for me. 
I desire to write although my eyes are heavy
My brain aches from synapses firing and creating
new pathways for thoughts previously unconnected.

However, I do this because I can't help it.
I want to stop and calm my thoughts. 
I need to find my zen moments but
it seems I cannot control anything.
Everything is fuzzy and full of fluff.

Do you hear the siren calling?
Can you see her beautiful face
a mouth full of razor sharp teeth
Oh, but you are blind to them
because she sings so sweetly.

True Colors

How could I have hid for so long?
I love the smell of books and
The brightly colored bindings
It is a mystical place

I loved going to as a child
I pretended that I wasn't
that girl who wanted to spend
hours hidden among books

I never said I liked to read
Avoided getting labeled
weird english major
Although I loved to imagine

All of the possible scenarios
Of times past
and of times to come
Dreaming and Reading

Of others troubles
helped me to forget my own.

Minimalist

Take all emotion
Imagine it

Hold it up
and let it fall

Explosion


Panera

Today I decided to go to Panera Bread to eat some lunch
and hop onto their wifi to search for some jobs.

It seems like today's world people come and go
In front of me were some women talking about Avon

They looked so professional and serious
I wondered at them- why are they so focused?

Young mothers all around me chit chatting
and taking care of their young ones.

I wonder if I'll be like that one day
or if I'll be one of the older women

Who meet with their good friends and chit chat
about their lives and what they saw on TV.

Will I ever be a part of the action or am I doomed
To be on the outside pretending to be focused

When really I listen to it all
Wondering what drives them to be the way they are.

Questioning

Empty Stomach
Busy mind
pushing forward
planning ahead

Full Stomach
Empty mind
lying still
losing ground

Chipped Nail Polish

Purple still dots my nails
ragged edges
and missing pieces
still clinging on

Attempting to remember
the days past
of simpler times
royal purple
beliefs

Dreams that sparkle
even in the darkness
almost rubbed out
still clinging on

like the chipped
nail polish on my fingers.

Begin Again

There is a song
A little ditty
Poor old
Michael Finnegan,
Begin Again!

That just barely
drifts through my thoughts-
not that I remember
singing it or
even hearing it

somehow though
it is in my brain
floating around
and I wonder

why do I have to
Begin Again?

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Sanity

How did I come to this point
Quicksand pulling me down
Struggling to get out
just pulls me further in

Echoed in the distance
Is it worth it?
Will it all come to pass
or will it all fall apart.

The strands of the rope
all frayed and quickly
dissolving into nothing
just like my sanity.

Crashed

This point I believed
I won't be relieved
Until my deathbed
Is drowned in red

Far away there is a cry
Nothing more than a lie
Of something like bye
and so I attempt to fly

Wings dripping red blood
Wearing another bad mood
In the middle of a wood
My hurt justified falsehood

Pretty

Pretty is as pretty does
Which just means
pretty likes to wreck things.

As in
Pretty messy
or
pretty stupid
or
pretty ridiculous

Pretty is as pretty does
which just means
pretty likes to wreck things.

As in
pretty bad
or
pretty silly
or
pretty frustrated.


Things

Today I had a thought
In the morning light
Set the day in motion
like a derailed train.

Crashed into something
pretty sure I'm bleeding
at least I'm not dead
or I don't think I am.

That thought washed away
and with it my sanity
For sweet prose
and sweeter poetry

Was lost down the drain
as I stood there
watching soap dissolve
I wondered at my life

How it was so messy
No longer pretty
just a disarray
of things I can't let go.

Jumping Ship

There be a storm a brewin
Though the waters calm.
The smell of the salt
be risin and risin

There be a storm a brewin
Though the sky is bright
The smell of salt
be risin and risin

There be a storm a brewin
Though the ocean's quiet
The smell of salt
be risin and risin

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Darkness

Ahead there is a light, a distant vision.
A hope that there is a future.

But there is no right now.
It's fading again. Hopeless.

A tree reaching for the stars
but cut down before it can touch the sky.

A little girl staring at the world
imagining leaving an impression

but instead the world marks her
as not good enough, never good enough.

Luck has frowned on her
and left her bleed hope

Brilliant red
turns to crusty brown

as she lies on the cold, frozen ground
and watches as the roots of a tree
drain her dry of her life force.

Cold Feet

Ice in veins
While the wind is silent.
Bare trees stand so still.
Dead leaves in piles.
Ugly brown, no hope for green.

Uncertainty about everything.
Just another dying creature.
Stripped of a little more hope
as each second passes by.

No rescue sent.
No exit plan.
No cavalry to save the day.
She stands in white

a figure frozen in winter's hand.

Breath

Quick

Before

It 

Is too late.

Remember

To Breathe

In your last 

Breath.

Maybe I should believe

Ragged hopes
Torn like old clothes
Exposed for a moment

Then hidden again
far below the surface.

Reality
is a cruel bitch

Who snaps at dreamers'
heels and brings them
to the ground.


Fantasy

Fantasy is belief
wrapped in dreams

which gives hope
to new beginnings

and maybe
one day

a prince will come
and the price

will be love.

Dropped It

Fragments of something great
Held for a second

Then gone
out of sight.

Glimpses of
a silly poem.

Fragments of
a love song.

All left in the cold
of a frozen mind.

Lost too quickly
Never to return.

Made that mistake
yet again.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Stretched Like Old Rubber Bands

Faded from the sun
Slight cracks along the edges
Just one more tug
and 

there is a soft snap
as the rubber breaks.

Something that 
should be unbreakable
Snaps with 
too much strain.


Take The Bull (Final Version)

Take the Bull

 Should have stayed in the ballpark-
 You tried to kill two birds with one stone. 
Opened mouth and inserted foot. 

Killed a good thing.

 Pony up, and 
Take the Bull by the horns.

 Don't rely on using your trump card- 
because Success is 99% perspiration.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Wasting Time

Clever one she is
To sit in front of a screen
and waste her life away.

To wish for more focus
and dream of day
where all she wants to get done
gets done.

For a messy room haunts her
and hungry horses wait
but she sits
waiting

for who knows what.

you'd think she'd getting going
her whole life is waiting
or rather moving on
without her.

So why does she wait
and let the world leave
She has dreams and hopes
so why waste her time away?

Tell me truly what is her problem
why is she such a lazy person
Who looks around her and inwardly groans

There is too much to do today.
I'll do it tomorrow I promise.

That is how she passes each day.

I promise I'll do it tomorrow.
Then tomorrow comes
and she sits wasting her time away.

Dam and Foal

Long legs that get tangled up
Large eyes that watch the world
So new, brand new.
To everything the world has to offer.
Highly anticipated.
Making a grand entrance.

Almost royal.
So perfect in your newness.
A dream made real.
Little neighs
greeted by a frantic mother.

Dam and foal
perfect, special,
LOVE.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Waiting

Black, Black night.
Horses snorting and groaning while they sleep.
Bugs chirping in the night.
The heavy footfalls
Of a very pregnant mare.

The soft wind with a fall nip.
All bring the night in sharp,
agonizing focus.
That passes second by slow second.

No street lights to banish the darkness.
Shadows are nonexistent.
No foal's whinny to pierce the night-
we wait for this night to change into
celebration.

Or perhaps
it'd turn into tragedy.

The dark side of a dream.
The night holds promise and it holds fear.

The Unknown haunts without
anything to keep it in check.

Dream Or Nightmare

Swollen legs and muscles sagging-
Hind end changing.
Do you still think I'm pretty?
Seeking reassurance
begging for a well placed scratch

Am I doing well?
What is going on?
This sucks.

I pet her hip and
tell her "Good girl"
while she scratches my shoulder
with her prehensile lips.

We wait.
Her not quite sure what is happening
And I
Not quite sure why I wanted to do this.

Why did I take this chance?
I'm not ready for this!

What was I thinking.

Foal Watch

Wait.
Drip by drip.
The muscles relax.
She waddles about.
Scratching and stretching.
Prancing and swinging her wide hips around
the box stall.

Still no little one
after all this time
we still
Wait.


Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Sleep

The quick nod to the right
Eyes that grow heavy
Ever so very slowly

The jolt awake
The panic sets in
Then it begins again.

The quick nod to the right
Eyes that grow heavy
Ever so very slowly

The jolt awake
The panic sets in
And you fight to keep
your thoughts from failing

Flailing, and tumbling
into the abyss
Known only as

Sleep.