How about yesterday

Yesterday, woke up 

Forgot who I was

 Searched my memories

Only found fragments

Today I rose to consciousness

Can't remember yesterday

The memories retrieved

Forgotten once again

New ones surface 

Still old memories

Like watching different versions

of the same story.

Disjointed Rabbit Hole

Often times I forgot that

Do I really have to say?

Forgotten at least for a bit

A new person springs forth

Thrown into the fire

never forgotten

Sitting there staring at nothing

Waiting for my turn

Never long enough

Switch faces once again

Locked behind an invisible wall

A prisoner held captive

Within the walls of self

held hostage

never free

from the cacophony. 

Mother's Love

Mother of three
Don't believe me?
I am their maid
My hopes fade

Love beats strong
My dream's wrong
A ball of hurt
No way to avert

Let it go

Drat

Oops,
I wanted to be smart
and funny

to create some witty prose
or rather
I mean poetry.

Instead
I created this.
How silly am I?

End of the Year

Anticipation fulfilled
Now just empty
Nothing left

A dried husk
of sanity

Yesteryear
there was waiting
today regrets

Dreamer forgotten
in the wreckage.

Let Go & Move On

Little girl, oh little girl
Weary are your dreams
You died long ago
Still you hold on

To those rotted dreams
You wasted away
Nothing but bones
Still you hold on

Little girl, oh little girl
Why do you still dream
Instead let go
Still you hold on

To those rotted dreams
They are foolish
Wear you out
Still you hold on.

Deprivation

Starving is something to be avoided
Yet, here I am starving, for sleep.
I long to consume a full night's rest.
To wake up sated for a day.

To feel full of energy
To have a mind ready to win.
Instead, I search for scraps
hoping to get enough

So that I can continue on
for another day
always searching
for that golden prize.

Sleep, satisfying sleep.

Narcolepsy

An incurable disease that haunts the young
Waiting, watching until that perfect moment.
Gulp.
Swallowed whole.

Down into the belly of the beast.
A slow procession, plenty of time to realize
How unfortunate you are.
Year by year it gets worse

Until you are haunted by what you once were.
Now a shade of your former self
A shell of who you could've been
Consumed by sleep.

Waiting

Waiting for you to appear
Is like a faucet that drips
ever so slowly
drives me crazy.

You said I'll be back soon
but soon isn't fast enough.
I grow tired of waiting
and yet you don't show up.

Maybe the storm is keeping you
how I miss your smiles
and the sound of your laughter
as well as your arm around me.

My phone is silent and I wonder
Are you ok?
Maybe I should have told you
to stay home.

Carried

This morning lost among dreams I over slept
Forgot I had to do morning chores.
Rushing to leave I yelled at you.
You stopped me in my tracks, saying
"They're taken care of."

I felt something within me change
It unfurled, testing the waters-
did he really just say what I think he said?
I must be dreaming.

True love is getting up early
caring for three large beasts
she loves them too much to let them go
you love them too even though they scare you.

All so that your girl could sleep in for a day.
You doing that is something so foreign to her
that she just stares
while you smile and say I love you.

I do not know how to respond to such a gesture
Been alone for so long
Had to carry so much responsibility
That having you carry it for me, scares me.

Yesterday

Yesterday we fought like an old married couple.
You stomped off and left me wondering
when did this become more than casual?
When did we fall in love?

I don't remember passing that point
but neither do I remember learning to walk.
Loving you is instinctual; second nature
like breathing and talking and laughing.

I think about how cold the world is,
I'm so glad I'm not alone anymore.
Having you there to tease me
and laugh at my antics is unexpected.

I cherish each smile you bestow upon me
You give me a gift each time you say my name
My life is full of color now that you are here.
Together we will grow old as the seasons change.

He's my kind of man

Without a word he showed up and brought me
what I've been wanting- warm food and a hug.
I didn't have to ask or tell him I needed him
to take care of me because he already knew.

That is what I love about him.
He isn't perfect but he knows
when I need a helping hand or two
and when I need to figure it out myself.

He's always there to catch me as I fall
or to provide a mattress so I land softly.
I know he loves me by the way he smiles
and holds me close when I want to run.

If you love something let it go and if it comes back
it will always be yours but if it doesn't then it was
never yours to begin with. Thankfully he ignored
that quote by someone unimportant.

I am his and he is mine.
He stuck by me through all my games
and tests and trials and temper tantrums.
He loves me for me.

Two day old sweatshirt

Two day old sweatshirt
There's a funk about me.
A smell of unwashed hair
and worn out deodorant.

Remember those old bag ladies
with broken teeth
and hair that defies gravity
well I think of them.

I do not want to collect cans
nor do I want to eat cat food
Although it smells quite good
for that is a problem.

I am drifting from society.
I hide away from reality
and pretend everything is OK
when really everything is wrong.

Numb

The heartache of others used to affect me; used to make my heart ache.
I used to care about others and plan on ways to help them.

Now, I see them hurt and I turn away.
Because I'm hurting just as much.

No one cares about my pain.
Why should they?

What I've done is taken an ethereal knife
and cut my stomach open.

I am bleeding hope and belief.
Each time I heal a little bit I cut open my gut again.

I am destroying myself and no one can stop me.
Sure, it's not physical but it is just as destructive.

Look at my life and see how much it bleeds.
I am bleeding, maybe this blood is more important than what is red.

I don't know how to describe what I've done.
Only that the veil is gone, I am like Eve after eating the apple.

My childhood belief of it will get better
has disappeared into a sea of uncertain certainty.

That is what I lost and why I cannot feel.
I lost my faith in everything.

I don't think it will get better because I give up
On hoping and believing in miracles.

I've dried up the well that provided me with them
Instead I am in a desert with no oasis in sight.

Hunger

Rumbling within
Cold fingers
Foggy thoughts
No longer certain

Numbing pain
Echoing in
My stomach

He wonders

It's almost a week and well, I want to see her.
Think she would find it strange if I stopped by.
My hand itches to text her "how r u?"
I don't though, why should I?

She doesn't care to let me know she's alive.
I don't care how she's doing, not in the least.
Just that she was this beautiful creature
Pure, but violent like a force of nature.

Nature, yea, she was like a raging storm
Beautiful and merciless then there was calm.
Eye of the storm all guards down
I thought-
she's beautiful;
then the storm raged on

Briefly

Briefly, now, just wait for a second
Can you please just listen.

I'm drowning in this static
The music of life is too loud.

A cacophony of voices
All razed to the ground.

Desperation and need
That empty stomach feeling

Is all too familiar these days.
How do I survive?

A mental drawing and quartering
Hoping I make it out alive

Knowing, knowing, knowing
that I am not that lucky.

Pain

An internal ache that threads throughout the body
It runs along each nerve and drags out the pain
There is no end to this suffering, no escape
I breathe and it hurts; I hold my breath and it hurts.
What can I do to stop this suffering?

When will I have a moment of peace and relaxation?
I want to breathe and not feel tension in my back
I want to find a position where I can rest completely
Cold against my back and cold on my legs
Everywhere the cold finds me and I cringe.

I am never safe, never free of this pain.
How can I live life when I hurt so?
Physical pain, emotional pain, so much suffering.
There is so much within me that I cannot find
A way to describe the sorrow I feel.

Battles

Deep within I feel a twisting and churning as though something was building
It is as though I am trapped in two worlds without a map for either one.

Childhood is there clinging to my feet like black tar
and adulthood is handcuffed to me, pulling me forward

Split in two, almost, I cannot make sense of the world
Just as I pick something up and throw it away.

Now I am so confused as to what happened to yesterday
worried about what will happen to tomorrow.

Will I survive this day? It is spinning out of control
I am lost among the most deadliest of seas

A storm of emotion on the horizon threatening
To send me to the bottom of the ocean.

Pain

It reverberates through every fiber
A throbbing that does not disappear

As though my mind and body
were on a revolt against life

I, their victim lie helpless
cringing as each move I make

burrows the needles of pain
deeper into the marrow of my bones

Muscles wound tightly beneath skin
One more twist and I will be nothing

but a mess of exploded muscles
lying in a pool of death.